Tonight I had this intense need to read the eulogy that I wrote for Bryanna. Sure, that sounds morbid, and sure it's not the most uplifting way to start tonight off, but hang with me for a minute.
After I put Evey and Liam to bed and as I was coming down our stairs I wondered how life could be so cruel that I had to be in the position to write a eulogy for my daughter a short time ago. So I read it.
I'll spare you the entire eulogy but here are some points that really made my breath catch.
"July 9, 2007. That is the day that a beautiful, sweet little girl was born. She came early – on her own terms with her own rules. For as long as I can remember – even back when I was a kid – I always wanted to be a mom. But I never truly understood the magnitude of what being a mom would be like. She made me understand the power of a parent’s love. A love that is unbreakable, unrelenting and so powerful that a single hug is never enough..."
"I have never met a more strong, brave and courageous person in my entire life. Bryanna fought this battle with such grace and more courage than I know I could. No parent should ever have to tell their child that they have cancer. Her response when I told her was “that’s the one that means death”. Yet she fought hard. She struggled getting through every single procedure even though she hated being touched. She no longer was doing anything on her terms. But she fought hard. She looked forward to getting special treats and various events such as designing her own jewelry. I think that’s what got her through..."
"The day her heart stopped the first time was one of the most scary moments of my life. But she fought though that. She proved every doctor and nurse that were working so hard wrong. She kept fighting each and every hour for days and she told us she was there..."
"...Cancer is a darkness that sucks the light out of a
person’s soul. But Bryanna never let her light go. Through the darkness, she
let her light shine. She shines bright even on the darkest days. I don’t think
she knew how to do it any other way. "
Funny, as I write this, a beautiful song called "I just called to say I love you" started playing. Isn't it spectacular how we see the love and the signs that our love is being received and their love is being given, if we let it?
Is my heart any less broken these days, you may wonder? No. Am I functioning better than I was last year...some days sure. Other days no. See, grief doesn't just stop because a new year is born
or a new day starts. Grief comes and goes each day just like it did the day before. You don't ever get over the loss of a child...but you do get better at hiding the hurt behind that loss.
That being said, I find love and joy in those little moments that would be so easy to take for granted. I found so much love in the kids today as we sat at a table so low to the ground with dinasours etched in the back, near the lava seat at the local library. A place so simple, yet the kids find the freedom to choose the book that speaks to them. Then we all read it together. I saw the love today in the excitement they got when they asked if they could get two books instead of one. I saw the love today in Evey who contained her frustration after stepping on one of Liam's toys and asked him to please pick it up after he was done using the bathroom. I heard the love today when Liam said "I'm sorry Evey". I saw the love when I looked in the sky and saw the stars smiling down on me.
Does it make it easy? No. Does it make me feel less isolated in this world of loss? Of course not. Does it make me miss my baby any less? Definately not. But it could be worse. I could feel nothing. My life could be completely void of love. Love, as defined so beautifully by Bryanna, Evey and Liam just by being them.
Don't forget to Love today. It's so important for tomorrow.
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