The Strength to See The Power of Love

Having the strength to love is such a powerful thought. Growing up, I always thought about how my life would turn out - I thought for sure that I would find the perfect man, fall in love, have the perfect group of kids, work, live and love. What I didn't know is that my life would not take that beautifully carved out path that I though it would. But that's not to say that my path hasn't been full of love. 
I grew up in Japan - a beautifully gracious and amazing country. I am lucky enough to call two countries my home. After graduating high school, I embarked on the longest adventure that I had ever had - I moved to the US to attend college...it was much like boarding school as my family was still in Japan. So, I went to college, I worked through college, graduated and then shortly thereafter, I met my husband and I fell in love. I fell head over heals in love. Soon after we were both excited to be blessed with the fact that we were going to have a beautiful baby girl. We named her Bryanna. We feel in love with this little girl before she was more than the size of a pea. She was perfect. She was everything I had ever hoped for in a baby - when she was no longer in me. I was never a beautiful, glowing pregnant mommy to be, with any of my kids. But, once she was born, I feel in love with her all over again. Bryanna made me mommy. Bryanna made Mike daddy. She made us better people and the world, a better place. Bryanna confirmed everything I thought I would love about being a mom - it was amazing, it was beautiful and it was everything I always wanted. It was also dirty, exhausting and isolating. Any new mom would tell you that there are the many days that you miss just dropping everything and meeting up with a friend to have dinner at the drop of a dime...feeling totally refreshed and energized, clean and well, just human. But, I would never ever give up any of the late nights with fevers and throw up, potty training, never ending (and impossible to keep up with) laundry, skinned knees requiring the most tender kisses better, hugs, squeals of pure delight when seeing me after work - the first question is do you have a treat for me....the extra treat that I would pack in my lunch knowing and expecting that sweet little question from Bryanna. Bryanna laid the path for Evey and Liam. Each one of our kids has grown into their own personality with their own uniqueness that makes them so very special. Each one being just as uniquely special as the other. 
I was once asked how I split my love among three kids. She wanted to know how it was possible to love each kid just as much as the other when we as the parent only have one heart and only so much energy to give. I thought about that long and hard. We don't (at least I don't) split my love but rather I love each one of them for each of their own unique personalities so much. Never one more than the other because I believe that as our family grows, so too does our hearts.  As a person, I believe that our hearts our so strong and so powerful that we can love more than we realize, more than we think we can. We just have to have the strength to understand that. We have to have the strength to continue to love even when we lose a part of that heart that continued to grow with each special person in our family. 

Bryanna at the age of 9, only 3 weeks after her 9th birthday, only 2 weeks after her last adventure packed trip to Myrtle beach, only 2 days after her first overnight stay at her favorite camp (Camp Sonshine), was admitted to the hospital critically ill. What we thought was Menengitis turned out to be one of the most rare forms of childhood leukemia - ETP-ALL. That moment when the doctor took my hand and told me that she had leukemia, the moment that her oncologist sat down with us and told us to call the Make a Wish foundation, the moment when she was first intubated due to compensated septic shock, the moment when she smiled because I made her fly by sitting hard on her bed...the same bed that she could no longer freely get out of due to her loss of mobility, the moment I saw her heart stop and the doctors revive her, the moment she squeezed my hand, the moment she looked in my eyes, the moment that I know that this was the day that would be her last, the moment I laid next to her with Mike on her other side and we let her fall asleep and be at peace...the moment that we learned how much love was still in our heart even though there is now a gaping hole where she should still be....these and many many more are the moments that I will never forget. The moments that we all try to get through on a daily basis. 

Like Mike and I, Evey and Liam are trying to work through their moments, their whys, their hows and their what do I do nows. Every day is hard, some are harder. Every moment is trying, some are better. Some days we can't breath and other days we just tell ourselves to put one foot in front of the other so that you can get the job done. But at the end of the day - we try to see the beautiful sun in the sky, the wind rustling the trees back and forth, the deer that come up the hill behind our house, the bright start in the sky every night - Bryanna's star. We try to see the beautiful part of life that we know Bryanna would have loved. We try to have the strength to continue to love each one of these things and more. The one thing that we have no difficulty is finding the strength to show Evey and Liam how we continue to love them. Their lives are just as important. They matter just as much. They fill my heart in just the same way that Bryanna did, yet in their own uniquely beautiful way. Regardless of what happens in life - we are a family of five. We are family. We are love. We are strength. We are brave. We will get through this. 

When you lose someone so close and so young, you are showered with love and support from everyone you know and don't know. You are put into this bubble that seems to continue to grow - much like your heart. But then as time passes, life continues to move on, the world keeps spinning, we find that that bubble starts to shrink and then somehow, perhaps by our own doing, that bubble becomes really small with close friends and family. That bubble starts to become isolating and lonely. It doesn't matter how much love is extended to us - we have this gaping hole where Bryanna should be. We have this empty chair - this empty bed, this empty laundry basket, empty spot where her backpack should be hanging, we have an empty place where her tooth brush should be, and empty spot in the refrigerator where her favorite food would have been. We have an emptiness in our heart that no matter how big or small our bubble is, no matter how much love there is, we can't fill. 

But we have to remember that we have to have the strength to love. We have to continue to have faith that we will get through this storm - we will get through the shock of cancer and the pain it has caused. We will make sure that Evey and Liam know that they are loved, that they matter and that they belong - they always have and they always will. They are our heart, they are what makes the world spin. 

As I figure out my way on this blog, I am going to try to bring awareness to ETP-ALL. I will someday write in more detail and in a different platform (perhaps a book), but for now, as we get through these early days of missing Bryanna, of figuring out how to take that next step forward, I will post here. As hard as it is, I will close the chapter of CaringBridge and will continue my journey of life, healing and love through my new blog. I'm hoping you will continue to walk that path with me, continue to read my entries and continue to look for Bryanna's star.  Hopefully this will help a little in my healing process - and maybe...just maybe my blogs will help someone going through a tough time, somewhere out there.  Cancer does not discriminate and cancer is scary and messy and painful. Parenting is dirty, exhausting, scary, amazing and beautiful all at the same time. Maybe, just maybe I can find a way to bring the two together and help support what we call the cancer family - but even if you have not been affected by cancer, maybe there is something else in life that has touched you or affected you so deeply that you too are trying to find your way. Maybe you lost a child or loved one as well - I can't take your pain away. I won't even try as I know that nothing but time will ease my pain of losing my beautiful girl who had the most brightest smile (though hugs do seem help). I know that the day will come where this pain is manageable - that it will be okay to breath knowing that I won't feel the stabbing pain of loss with every breath. That day will come. In the mean time, I am going to continue to look at the sun and continue to have the strength to love. I hope you too can find the strength to see the power of love.