When you think that you just can't walk anymore, remember that you got this.

Sometimes it seems like the world spins so fast and we get lost inside. It seems like as life moves on each and every day, that those who are dealing with something so huge, so significant that they are trying to claw their way out of the center of that world and take a big breath of fresh air, just see the world spinning and can't move with it. That is not us. That cannot be us. It would be so very easy for us to get lost in the center of the world as it spins on it's axis while life moves on. It would be so very easy to get lost in our sea of sheets and comfy blankets and not get up when we realize that we did lose that hour of sleep thanks to day light savings. It would be so very easy to keep everything that was Bryanna's in the exact same place and walk by it as if she would be coming home later in the day to pick it up or move it, to snuggle it or talk about it. It would be so easy to forget how devasting the her struggle was, how devastating Evey and Liam's struggle was and is and how devastating that struggle still remains. It would be so easy to keep buying her favorite cheese, or to make her favorite dishes that no one else liked. It would be so easy, yet it's not.  The world keeps turning and we continue to press forward - we continue to try to remember Bryanna, talk about Bryanna and love Bryanna but we can't close the curtains and live in darkness. We can't continue to buy the foods that only she would like. We can't walk by a toy that may have fallen while the kids played and leave it as is, we can't ignore the fact that she is no longer coming home, that she will never, ever sleep in her bed again. That she will no longer be on the couch, snuggling her animal blanket and puppy and basking in the glory of no school on a snow day.  But we do have to keep reminding the kids that it's okay to not be okay in that moment that we once again realize how empty the table feels and how empty her bedroom feels. We have to keep reminding the kids and reminding ourselves to look up at the sky and know that Bryanna's star will always be there. That it is okay to go to the cemetery when they want to see and talk to Bryanna's puppy angel. It is all okay.
Today was a great day here at home. It was the first snow day of the year, which meant movies and popcorn, inventions, makeshift parks that we all played in (Evey created obstacles to go through out of boxes), some homework and lots of snuggles. But with all those snuggles and all the fun things that we did today, we would stop and reflect on how much Bryanna would have laughed at this or looked at that, how we miss her at the table or hearing how excited she was for the snow. It's in those moments that we are having fun, or that we are having a good day that we miss Bryanna. It is in those moments that we have to brace ourselves for that impact that this is reality. It is in the moments that Evey or Liam will remind us that we are not whole because we are missing a vital part of our family. It is in those moments that we have to remind ourselves to breathe.

As we move forward with life after Cancer, after ETP-ALL and chemo, endless medications, pain and suffering, we have to make sense of what happened as much as we can. Evey struggles with where Bryanna is now. Not whether she is in heaven or where her spirit is - but where exactly is her body. Liam struggles with kids nearby playing as if they died or playing as if they are hurt or sick - he will tell them "I have a sister. Her name is Bryanna. She died".  How do you get kids through something so heartbreaking. In their mind, there is an order to death. An order by age and it makes sense. Kids should never die before their parents. Kids should never suffer to any degree and especially not to the degree of what ETP-ALL, what cancer - did to Bryanna.

In recent days, I have heard about advanced treatment and new treatment for various types of cancers including leukemia - yet I have not heard any news about ETP-ALL. I can't help but wonder if this new AML treatment could have given Bryanna a chance of achieving remission. Yet, I have not heard any mention of this difficult and almost incurable type of cancer. It is as if it doesn't exist. They say that only 4 percent of funds go to research for childhood cancer. If that is true - why is that? Aren't kids our future? Shouldn't kids, the most vulnerable and the most delicate need us - the adults and professionals, the scientist and the most educated minds - to have the funds to find treatment, to find a way...to find a cure? Don't we owe it to these kids that are fighting the hardest battle of their lives - the vast majority not even old enough to have tested the boundaries of good and bad in life, not even old enough to question fairy tales yet old enough to believe in fairy bubbles for protection, to believe in the tooth fairy, to believe in santa clause and to believe in hope? Shouldn't we be able to fund hope? If 96% of all donations go to adult cancers, can't we rethink how research is conducted?  Don't get me wrong - without these researchers and doctors - there would be far more deaths to report. There would be significantly more moms and dads saying what we say...Another Day. We Got Through Another Day. But there has to be more that we can do - the doctors and researchers are working so very hard to save lives - we have to help them get the resources they need to save these lives - to save lives like Bryanna.

Early T-Cell Precursor Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia - Discovered by St. Judes Children's Research Hospital. Research continues through St. Judes and Washington University's Pediatric Cancer Genome Project.  Survival Rate is one of the lowest at 30% for pediatric cancer. Research and Medical Journal articles are so limited that Bryanna is now likely a patient that contributes to saving the lives of other kids.  I pray that the day comes soon where ETP-ALL can be cured - not for 30 percent of patients,but for all of the patients. I hope that Evey and Liam do not fall into the statistics of which state that 1 in every 500 siblings will get leukemia. Bryanna sure defied all statistical odds (and not in her favor). Let's hope our family can now beat the odds.  I hope for our family that we can not only continue to get through another day and remind ourselves that tomorrow is indeed a new day but also get stronger with each small step, with each reminder, with each breath.

~When you think that you just can't walk anymore, remember that you got this. You got here and you can get over there. You are strong, beautiful and will get through this. Today is another day but tomorrow is a new day.  Remember that even when you don't believe it...you got this. We will be here right by your side and on the days that you can't get up by yourself, we will help you get up. On the days that you don't think you can do this anymore, we will make sure you can do this. You will never be alone. You got this. ~
 - That is what I said to Bryanna over and over during treatment. I hope it gave her some courage when she needed it the most.

Tomorrow is a new day.