It's interesting though - as we struggled this week on various levels, we also had various signs that Bryanna was with us. As Mike and I put the kids to bed one night, we talked about Bryanna and her star. We talked about missing her but that she was here with us in our hearts. As sad as it was, there were no tears that night but an understanding. A belief that she truly was with us when we needed her. We read to the kids, turned their music on, gave them kisses and hugs and came back out to the living room. We were met with a odd sound - one that we couldn't place. We thought it was our air purifier and so we shut it off. It didn't stop. We turned the TV down, it didn't stop. Then it hit me. It was my purse buzzing. It was Buzzy, buzzing in my purse. My purse had not moved, fallen or shifted since it had been set on the floor earlier that evening. Nothing changed from the time that we had taken the kids to bed to the time that we came back out to the living room. And yet, buzzy was buzzing away. For those who don't know - buzzy was a tool that we used to help distract and get Bryanna through some of the scariest treatments. It is a bee shaped little plastic thing that you turn on and it buzzes hard. It has only gone off on a few occasions since she passed. When we got back into our car after picking up her remains - as we sat at our usual rest stop eating taco bell on our way to Massachusetts, when we were having a tough time and everyone was a mess when we got home from camp....just random unexplainable times. It gives me goose bumps.
On our way into our house from our car after camp the next day, there was a beautiful yellow butterfly following us. It kept circling us and made me think. What if? When I mentioned it to Evey she said something that made me stop in my tracks. That same day at camp, the same colored butterfly kept bugging her. It kept circling close to her head and flapping it's wings next to her ears. As she said, she thought it might be Bryanna, but it wouldn't stop bugging her and it was annoying. I laughed when she said that and reminded her that Bryanna and her used to annoy each other at bedtime and many other times during the day just because you knew you could. But even after that, you guys were best friends and loved each other so much. What if that was Bryanna saying I'm here with you...and I'll annoy you like I used to? What if?
This week, as I was leaving camp, a little girl was being greeted at camp. Everyone was so super excited to see her. They said (Spelling is likely different but pronunciation was the same) "Bryanna!! We missed you so much! We are so happy to see you Bryanna!". I understand that there are many special Bryanna's in this world. But the timing of hearing that was gut wrenching. I don't often hear the same pronunciation of the name so it made me stop for a moment. Then I carried on and was so grateful that that little girl got the greeting of a lifetime - just like every other kid that went through those doors. The smile that child had hearing her name reminded me of my Bryanna. They made sure she felt special. They made sure she knew she mattered. They made sure she felt loved.
There are so many ways to justify many of the things that happen during our days. So many reasons that a butterfly might be flying around us, buzzy may have gone off, interesting reflections are seen from her headstone. So many things that can be scientifically or logically explained. But then again, can they? What if the explanation defies science? What if there was more to it? What if it truly is a sign?
What if we could see the invisible. What if we could see what we could feel. What if our beliefs and thoughts were so innocent and pure like children...children who see so much more than we see. What if we could put our insecurities aside and just let things happen. Would we see more than we expect? Would we feel something more powerful than we could ever imagine? What if?
Today, the kids thought they would quiz me on their favorite things in life. Talk about loaded questions. They are never the same. Seriously...their favorite things are NEVER THE SAME. How is a mom supposed to keep up with their never ending thirst for a new love? Don't get me wrong - I appreciate that they like so many different things...all the time, but it would be easier if Evey had that one lovey or that one favorite thing. Always keeping me on my toes.
So, when asked what her 4 favorite things she wants to be when she grows up, and her 2 favorite foods - I did the best thing I could think of. I said, I obviously know what they are, but I think you should tell me what they are so you can't change your mind when I say it. Ummm...save me please.
So she said...that's fair. My favorite things are: 1 Unicorns (obvy..everyone should be a unicorn), 2. Minion (well, that's only natural), 3. Firefighter (totally didn't see that one coming) and last but not least a Dolphin. (That makes sense, since we live in the water). She was so excited that I was thinking all the same things. Thank goodness for the all knowing mommy sense. phew. Then it went to her loveys (She doesn't have nor has she ever had a lovey)...so we started it again. Thankfully, I was "Thinking" the same thing she had said. Evey had stars in her eyes.
Liam and I went through the same process. I am so thankful for my all knowing thoughts, because obviously I knew he wanted to be a chocolate covered minion. (seriously...how???).
Our silly moments like these gets us through the tough moments like this week. I am so grateful that I can still give the perception that I know everything...I know that the day will come when they will think that I know nothing. So for now...I'm going to live each moment and enjoy it. I'm going take the time to think about those special moments when the butterflies flutter around our ear and buzzy goes off. I'm going to embrace all the moments that make us say "What if?" I'm going to live in the love that the kids show and continue to be grateful and blessed that I still get to physically hold them and embrace and show that love back to them. I'm going to let it continue to be okay for us to stop and say "What if?". We are going to continue to embrace the signs that Bryanna may be with us when we need her. She is no longer in pain, and no longer in fear. What if she really was here with us? What if that really is a sign? What if?
No comments:
Post a Comment